To share or not to share? That has been the question for me this week. Sharing means letting everyone in on something I have kept all to myself. In the end I believe that is the reason its worth sharing. If anyone has had the kind of year I have had I want you to know you are not alone.
Where do I begin? How do I explain something I am not 100% certain of? Dancing on the edge is what always comes to mind when I try to put into words how I have felt most of this year. Let me begin by saying that I am normally the happiest person in the crowd, the positive one, the one making the most of life. This past year that has been very difficult for me.
This new state of mind kinda just snuck up on me. I wasn't waking up happy, negative thoughts were beginning to take over the positive, things I usually enjoyed became more like work. I would go to work and put on a happy face, but the second I left I was going home and sleeping. I didn't want to work out, run, cook, go out with friends/family or anything. My thoughts would go to very dark places, I was have horrible dreams and I would cry a lot.
I would get so mad at myself. I would question why I am feeling like this? What is happening to me? You need to snap out of this right now! You are not this person! Things would get better, but it was still there lingering in the background.
Summer was the best time for me, but soon as August hit it came back in full force. August was the worst month of my life. Everything I normally enjoyed I hated. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to be around people. I hated myself for feeling like I felt, yet I was doing nothing to change it. September was not much better, but I finally started trying to pull myself out of whatever it was I was going through. It wasn't until end of October/first of November that I finally felt the gloom and doom leaving me.
I am not sure if I was battling depression or just life changes, but it wasn't pretty. I look back now and realize its been a year of changes that I was not ready for me. I turned 44. My life has been my boys and they didn't need me anymore. Since Bay had a job where he went to school he pretty much stayed there. E had school, baseball and video games. I went from working with kids/babies (that need you 100% of the time) to the corporate world. I was home by 1 everyday and no one was there. No one needed me. I had no motivation to clean, work out, run or anything I would lay around and let the horrible thoughts take over. When 4:30 rolled around I would make myself get up and make supper and get ready for the fam to get home. Put on a happy face because I don't need to drag them into whatever is going on with me.
End of October I met up with my girlfriends for a fun weekend in Kentucky. It was 5 hours alone in the car. I was trying to pump myself up, find my happy. Saturday we got up to do our half and I was dying. My best friend was running with me and she was so happy. I wanted to punch her in the face because I was so miserable. I was slowing her down and bringing her happy down. She finally took off and left me and I just cried because I didn't know why I felt this way. I am with the girls I have been friends with my whole life, they are the easiest people to be happy around and I am feeling like this. The next morning I got up and left to head home. I broke down and just begged God to help me because I didn't want to feel this way anymore. I didn't want to pretend I was great anymore.
Slowly, I started to push myself to take care of me. I started running and working out again. I may not have a church to call home, but I do have God and begin to talk to him more and more and read my Bible again. I transitioned to full-time at my job (which was a blessing). Instead of crawling inside myself and letting the crappy thoughts take over I reached out. I would make list of all the positive in my life and focus on them. Slowly the bad became less and less. My happy was coming back.
Until I went through this I never understood people like Robin Williams. They make people laugh for a living, but on the inside they are miserable. That is why I felt it was important to share. If you are struggling with life reach out to God, a friend, anyone. Don't let yourself continue to sink deeper. Don't let the negative win. Realize that even if all the people that always needed you need you less, it doesn't mean they don't love you and want you in their life. Live and enjoy this one life you were given.
The sad, depressing feelings still like to try to creep in still, but I fight them. I remind myself how much I have to live for. I remind myself that I have this one life and I need to live it to the fullest. I need to push myself to do the things I said I couldn't and make goals that I might not reach, but I sure can have a lot of fun trying.
I find that I love to motivate others. That is gives me purpose. So I am going to start blogging more. Posting challenges. Sharing my struggles and my triumphs! So stay tuned for what's to come in 2018! :)